Friday, January 27, 2012

Being Better #4 - The Problem with Being Limitless

I have done it! After much hand wringing, wailing indecision and some thoroughly embarrassing hiding under the covers with a tub of peanut butter, I have set a limit! Ok...just a second...give me some air...

Whoa, what happened?

I'm sure you have been there. Most everyone has had someone in your life who presumed too much. Someone who asked for things you didn't really want to give or
trampled over your heart because their upset was soooo much more important than your pesky 'feelings'. It's an awful misery. And what's worse, many women (and a few men) like myself are set up to tolerate such one-sided savageness because we are raised to be 'nice'.

Well, after much anguish I have finally laid down a boundary by clearly stating what I could not and would not tolerate. Then I clearly stated that I would be hopping on the happy train to home if my limits were not respected.

If you are in a situation, especially if there is an issue of addiction involved, this is a useful tool to have in your lifepack. But like any tool, you have to use it for it to work.

This is the part that tripped me up for so long. I have set limits in other situations, but extenuating circumstances held me back until I realized by holding my grievances I was not only allowing myself to be treated poorly, but I was preventing the other person from having the opportunity to grow. We all learn by trial and error, but if we don't suffer the logical consequences for our bad behavior, we keep acting like jerks.

This is how our friends can help break us out of a cognitive dissonance loop, and how we can help them be real, or see if they really have what it takes to be our friend.

This video illustrates the issues well, as does the book below.

Cross your fingers for me, I hope it goes well. It is scary. What did you do today?

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